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The Saga of an Idiot

An IAQ By Kahran042

Version 0.3

Based on a true story



Hello, greetings, salutations, bonjour, hola, konnichiwa, zdrasteuite, gr�� gott, moin moin, aloha, velkommen, suilaid, rammu, etc., etc. You may remember this IAQ before, but that was the old Domestigears. This rewrite should be better-written, if nothing else. And now, it begins.

R.A.Q. (Rarely Asked Questions)

A. I know.
Q. Then why did you write it?
A. Why does anyone write a walkthrough for a game that doesn't exist? For fun, of course.
Q. Why is Cirrus' Gear called Galtel?
A. It was the first thing that came to mind that sounded like Weltall.
Q. But where did it come from?
A. Galtel was a minor boss in Breath of Fire III. He was one of the ghosts you fought in McNeil's Manor. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Q. ...Heslinky? What the [vilg]?
A. Hey, if you can think of a better parody for Storkolm, I'd like to see it. Really, I would. Please send suggestions about parodies for Storkolm, and anything else, to I'd love to hear from you!
Q. What's with the whole Terranigma groom hunt rip-off scene?
A. I included it mostly because I love that scene in Terranigma, and also to spite Ragnarosen. "The only IAQ with references to Terranigma," indeed.
Q. This RAQ section is stupid.
A. That's not a question.
Q. Isn't this RAQ section stupid?
A. Yes. Yes it is. Forward!


Mestigea, the fourth planet in the Beta Delphini system, WOULD be a pretty average planet if not for one thing:RPG Hero Academy. This is where all professional RPG heroes are trained. Many great heroes have come out of RPGHA, and great tales have been told of these heroes. This is not one of them. Meet our hero, Cirrus Pressure. He is the youngest son of the distinguished Pressure family of RPG heroes, and has gone to RPGHA to prove himself. This is his story.


RPG Hero Academy

The game begins in a courtyard at RPGHA, where Cirrus is chasing a squirrel around a tree. The squirrel escapes and Cirrus looks disappointed. His roommate enters and reminds him that he was supposed to meet his girlfriend Naomi at the dining hall. At this point, you will control Cirrus.

Cirrus' starting equipment:Plastic Sword, RPGHA Uniform, Cap

At this point, you can wander around the campus, speaking with other students. However, your real next stop is the dining hall. Once there, talk to Naomi and she will join you.

Naomi's starting equipment:Fuzzy Mitten, RPGHA Uniform, Cap

After Cirrus and Naomi chat for a while, a Generic Nerd reminds them to get to their Dungeon Crawling class. So, go there. The path is pretty straightforward. When you get there, it seems that today, they must attempt the Practice Dungeon. Everyone must go in as a pair, but you get to pick your partner. However, YOU don't get to pick. Cirrus automatically picks Naomi. This is your first opportunity to experience the DG battle system, which is exactly like that in at least a million other RPGs. The only real problem are that the caves are a bit mazelike. However, all you have to do is go left, right, right, left, right, left, right, say "flank steak", and go through the big metal door with "BIG METAL DOOR" painted on it, and you'll enter the boss room. The boss is a big dragon that's obviously made of cardboard. There's no way to lose this battle, as the boss never does any damage, and even Naomi's physical attack does a ton to it. After this, you'll get the message to come to the Central Courtyard for finals. Cirrus, Naomi, GS#1 (Generic Student #1), and GS#2 will be sent to kill the Demon Chicken living on Mt. Suicide.

GS#1's starting equipment: Butter Knife, RPGHA Uniform, Cap
GS#2's starting equipment: Butter Knife, RPGHA Uniform, Cap

After this, you will be booted out onto the World Map, where you can save, or use a Tent to fully restore HP. Head west, and you'll reach Mt. Suicide. Mt. Suicide is just an ordinary mountain path. At the end, you'll see a nice little white chicken coop with a yellow roof. Examine the door and a cute little white chicken will come out. This is the Demon Chicken. Don't bother trying. The Chicken will first use Soul Peck to kill the 2 generic students, then take out Cirrus and Naomi with its Evil Cluck. You will now automatically be back at RPGHA, where, after a discussion by the Grand Council of RPGs, you will be kicked out.


You are now on the world map, near RPGHA. You can't go back into RPGHA or Mt. Suicide, but you can go to your hometown of Dribbleheim, located to the southeast. Naomi will leave to go to her home, Foxtrot Manor, in the north. At his house, Cirrus' father Stratocumulus will yell at him for failing at RPGHA, then kick him out of the family. At Naomi's house, she's having troubles of her own. It seems that her parents didn't want her to go to RPGHA at all, and they have plans to marry her off to the Evil Baron Nancy. Naomi won't stand for this, so she uses a highly-cliched Ladder-O-Bedsheets� to escape her room and join up with Cirrus. Since they can't go home, they decide to head for Aluminum Town in the north. Head to the train station. (Don't ask me why they're taking the train, when they could just walk to Aluminum Town.) On the train, you'll be seated when a young woman joins you.

"A young wanderer from the north, the powers of the earth obey her will..."

You'll get to name the young woman. (The default is Sarah.) She will join you, then, after a conversation about maple syrup, the history of the British monarchy, and David Bowie, Cirrus will decide to get a snack, and the girls will accompany him. In the snack car, the guy takes Cirrus' money, then doesn't come back. The game is a bit vague as to what to do here, so examine the door in the north wall and the following conversation will take place.

CIRRUS: C..C...Captain Purple...
CIRRUS: You know what this means, right?
NAOMI: Keep out?
CIRRUS: No, we have to go in and beat up that mean clerk!
SARAH: Well, all right.
(Geomancer Sarah joined your party!)

Now, you'll be in a huge room which is, oddly, bigger than the entire snack car. Also, Sarah has joined your party, so...

Sarah's starting equipment: Bronze Sword, Light Armor, Headband, Nose Ring

Anyhoo, go east and open the chest for a Bronze Sword. Equip it on Cirrus Then, go west twice and you'll be in a crate maze. To get through, follow the obvious yellow line painted on the floor. At the end, you'll encounter the evil clerk. Cirrus will demand his money back, but the clerk will laugh at him, then turn into Grimace.

BOSS TIPS: Grimace

HP: 600
MP: 0
ATTACKS: Purple Rain, Violet Aura, Pummel
Otay, Grimace isn't too tough, considering he's your first REAL boss. (the Cardboard Dragon and Demon Chicken don't count). Cirrus should attack,Naomi should use her normal attack and heal whoever needs it, and Sarah should attack or use geomancy. The only real problem is Violet Aura. Be SURE to have Naomi heal whoever it's cast on. When you win, you'll receive a Grape, and...

SARAH: You seem pretty tough. Ever considered joining EARTHQUAKE?
CIRRUS: EARTHQUAKE? You mean the anti-Lunaris resistance faction? OTAY!
NAOMI: Well, I'm a member of the Lunaris aristocracy, but then, Dad's really been bugging me lately, so...all right.
SARAH: Right. When we get to Aluminum Town, I'll introduce you to Bob, our regional leader.
Coincidentally, at this moment, the train arrives at Aluminum Town.

Aluminum Town

In Aluminum Town, first check out the shops. The Aluminum equipment here is pretty good, but DO NOT buy the Aluminum Potions- they're made of molten aluminum, so if you drink them, they'll kill you, and you can't use them on enemies. When you're done shopping, approach the abandoned warehouse on the west side of town. It should be pretty obvious, seeing as there's a sign outside saying "GO AWAY! THIS IS AN ORDINARY ABANDONED WAREHOUSE! EARTHQUAKE IS NOT HERE!" Naturally, it's EARTHQUAKE's regional HQ. When you enter, the following conversation ensues.

SARAH: This is agent #84231, Sarah Moonwhisper-Jones, reporting.
BALD MAN WITH SUNGLASSES AND BEARD: Why aren't you using your code name, Earthrunner?
SARAH: Because...
MAN: Code names are a sacred thing, Earthrunner.
SARAH: Sorry. I meant, this is Earthrunner reporting.
MAN: Very well, Earthrunner. What is your report?
SARAH: We were attacked by a big purple monster on the train from Dribbleheim, but I met two new recruits.
MAN: I see. What are your names?
CIRRUS: I'm...(takes off his underwear and reads it) Cirrus Pressure.
NAOMI: Naomi Foxtrot, former Lunaris noble.
MAN: Ah. Well, I am...

Leader of the generic resistance force EARTHQUAKE, a fighter for his world's freedom from the tyrannical Lunaris Empire...
Now, you'll get to name the man and the conversation will continue.

MAN: Bob Zauchbp, regional leader of EARTHQUAKE.
NAOMI: But the naming screen said that you were the leader.
BOB: The naming screen lies!
NAOMI: O...kay...
SARAH: So, what shall I do now, Bob?
BOB: Fearless Leader, Earthrunner. NOT Bob.
SARAH: Sorry. So, what shall I do now, FEARLESS LEADER?
BOB: Right. I have a testing mission for these two. You just stay here and guard the base.
SARAH: All right. Mission accepted.
CIRRUS: So, what's this training mission?
BOB: All right. Earthrunner, the hologram thingy?
(Sarah turns on a hologram thingy, which shows a picture of a big factory)
VOICE FROM HOLOGRAM THINGY: This is the Evil Factory.
BOB: This is the Evil Factory.
NAOMI: Obviously...
BOB: Lunaris set it up a week ago. Since it's evil...
CIRRUS: We blow it up, right?
BOB: Very good! Now, we need a plan to get in. Earthrunner has set it up in five phases, as follows.

  1. Get Lunaris uniforms
  2. Take the bus to the Evil Factory
  3. Infiltrate Evil Factory
  4. ? (Bob shrugs)
  5. Escape
Good, huh?
NAOMI: What's Phase 4?
BOB: No idea. Earthrunner, what's Phase 4?
SARAH: I don't know either. Phase 5 is escape.
CIRRUS: Maybe Phase 4 is eat yummy cherry Jell-O.
BOB: Very well then. Phase 4: Eat yummy cherry Jell-O.
NAOMI: Wait. When do we blow up the Evil Factory?
BOB: Oh! That must be phase 4! Whoopsy-doodle!
CIRRUS: Aww, so no cherry Jell-O?
BOB: Don't worry. We'll have cherry Jell-O when we get back to the base.
NAOMI: Um, what does the Evil Factory make, anyway?
BOB: Evil. And low-fat pudding.
CIRRUS: No! Not low-fat pudding!
BOB: Right. Let's go!
Bob will now join your party!

Bob's starting equipment: Hand Axe, Aluminum Armor, Aluminum Helmet

Anyhoo, go out onto the streets of Aluminum Town. Get Aluminum equipment for everyone, but be sure to save at least 300 Ggggg. Also, talk to EVERY NPC. If you don't, you won't be able to proceed. When you do, Bob will realize that he doesn't have a plan as to HOW to get Lunaris uniforms.

BOB: Hey, I don't have a plan as to how to get Lunaris uniforms.
NAOMI: Great. What are we going to do now?
MERCHANT: Lunaris uniforms! Lunaris uniforms for sale!
CIRRUS: Does that answer your question?

Buy three Lunaris Uniforms from the merchant-they're 100 Ggggg each, and there are 3 of you. This is why you saved 300 Ggggg. Now that you have Lunaris uniforms, go the bar and talk to the Lunaris officer (man in black bellhop uniform) there.

OFFICER: Hey, you! Get on the bus before I whoop your lazy butts!
CIRRUS: Yes, sir!
(the group boards the bus, which sets off)
BOB: So, where's this bus going?
SOLDIER: Don't you know? We're going to the Evil Factory!
BOB: All right!
SOLDIER: Wow, I never met anyone so interested in low-fat pudding and evil!
NAOMI: Yeah, it's rare. But, we're going to get to see the power core, right?
SOLDIER: Well, yeah! That's what guard duty at the Evil Factory is all about!
NAOMI: That's good.
SOLDIER: Oooh! We're almost there! I can't wait!

At this point, you'll see an FMV, depicting the Evil Factory, which really stands out in the mountain snowfield where it's built. The bus pulls into the bus depot there, and you get off. At the Evil Factory, you will meet a tour guide named Lillian. Follow her until you reach the room with the conveyor belts, where the tour will just stop moving for some reason anyway. In this room, go east and into a room full of big ouchy- looking machines. Don't worry, they can't hurt you. Just go through the room to the door marked "NO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL!" and enter it. Inside, you will meet a Lunaris officer and 2 soldiers.

OFFICER: Hey, you! What are you doing in here? Can't you read?
CIRRUS: Yeah! I just learned how three months ago!
OFFICER: Who are you, anyway?
CIRRUS: I'll have you know we wandered off from the tour!
OFFICER: Hey, I don't think you're real Lunaris soldiers at all. REAL Lunaris soldiers would NEVER wander off from a tour. Attack!

You will now have to fight a Lunaris Officer and 2 Lunaris Soldiers. The quickest way to win is to just wipe out the two soldiers. The officer, like all Imperial officers in RPGs, will then run off.

BOB: Damn! Looks like our cover's blown. Better ditch these uniforms.
The group does so, then automatically continues into the next area of the factory, containing a hamster running on a wheel.

BOB: Hmmm, this must be the Evil Factory's source of electricity.
NAOMI: The poor hamsters...can't we save them?
BOB: All right. It just wouldn't be right to blow up the Evil Factory with them inside. According to the blueprints I got off that officer we beat up,
there should be four of these hamsters.
NAOMI: Right. So, we'll free all of them, then find the power core and blow it up.
BOB: Right.

Now, you'll have to explore the ENTIRE Evil Factory in order to find the four hamsters. This guide will give the quickest way to find them. First, free the one in the room you're in now. Then, go up the stairs next to the hamster wheel, and you'll be in a coffee room. Examine the pot to get some Black Coffee, then go through the door to the right. Inside is a long hallway with a bunch of lasers. The best way to get past is to run when the lasers aren't firing and stop when they are. Actually, that's pretty much the only way. At the end of the laser hall is another hamster wheel. Turn it off, then jump down the dust chute, which leads back to the factory entrance. Save your game, then go back to the conveyor belt room and go right. This room contains a hamster wheel and a chest . Get the Potion from the chest, then turn off the hamster wheel and go through the door to the north. In this room, take the elevator down to the basement. Once in the basement, go right to deactivate the final hamster wheel, then back to the basement elevator room and straight to the power core. Examine the power core and you'll attach the bomb automatically. A timer for 10 minutes will appear and you'll have to escape the factory. Unfortunately, the elevator has been deactivated for no apparent reason, so you'll have to go straight from here. After four rooms, you'll be in a HUGE room filled with giant mecha. When you enter this room, Lillian will appear.

LILLIAN: I knew it! You weren't real soldiers at all. Now, prepare to die.

Three of the big mecha, called Capricorns, attack you. Just when things seem hopeless, Cirrus will jump into one of the three unique ones, the Galtel. Naomi and Bob get into the other two (Mirage and Ripat, respectively) and you'll be able to fight the Capricorns on an equal footing. They're REALLY easy, so you're pretty much guaranteed to win. When you do...

LILLIAN:'re stronger than I expected. I'll have to report this to Emperor Mike. (teleports out)
BOB: ****! The bomb's about to go off!

At this point, you'll see a really cool FMV of the Evil Factory going kaboom as your Gears (mecha) take off, barely clearing the explosion. After the FMV, there's a cutscene in the Lunaris Imperial Palace.

EMPEROR MIKE: Ah, Lillian. You have returned. Your report?
LILLIAN: Your Majesty, the Evil Factory in the Aluminum Town region was destroyed by a group of rebels calling themselves EARTHQUAKE.
EMPEROR MIKE: WHAT? We don't HAVE an Evil Factory in the Aluminium Town region. Now, hit yourself on the head with this mallet.
LILLIAN: Yes, your majesty. (bonk) But, we do have an Evil Factory in that area. Or, rather, we did. You ordered it built just last week, remember?
EMPEROR MIKE: Oh, that's right. Now, we probably should exterminate those EARTHQUAKE rats. Sean?
(Sean enters in a flash of light)
SEAN: You summoned me, my liege?
EMPEROR MIKE: There is a rebel group in Aluminium Town called EARTHQUAKE. You are to go there and crush them like the insects they are.
SEAN: Yes, your majesty. (teleports out)
(fade to black)

Separation Anxiety

At this point, the group arrives back in Aluminum Town. Cirrus is really excited about the cherry Jell-O, so he runs to the abandoned warehouse, only to find it under attack by Lunaris soldiers. Sarah is fighting them, but seems to be losing, so you help her. You will have to fight three consecutive battles- first against three Lunaris Soldiers and a Lunaris Elite, then against three Lunaris Soldiers, and finally against two Soldiers and 2 Elite.After this, a man with black clothes and hair smeared with cheap silver dye appears. He is clearly the leader of the Imperial forces in the area, and after a conversation in which he introduces himself as Sean Elmdor, younger brother of Mesdoram Elmdor from Final Fantasy Tactics, he attacks you.


HP: 99999
MP: 9999
ATTACKS: Stupornova
Don't even bother. After taunting you for three turns, Sean will cast Stupornova, wiping you out.

Bob will order a retreat, but in the confusion, Cirrus is separated from the others and finds himself on a mountain path near Aluminum Town, where he is attacked by two mule-men named Cheerio and Blunder. This is another rigged battle, where you get beaten up, only to discover that...Cirrus has no special powers whatsoever! The mule-men walk off, leaving Cirrus for dead. However, he managed to survive by dumb luck. Apparently, they only broke his widoo pinky finger. Continue east and you'll be on the world map near the castle town of Schmierkase.

Schmierkase and the Groom Hunt

In Schmierkase, most of the generic NPCs are complaining about their tyrannical ruler, King Walter XVII. However, the ones in the square are talking about a proclamation he made recently. Apparently, his daughter has...the COMMON COLD! If you can find a way to cure it, you'll be allowed to marry her. A lot of people are suspicious about this, but since Cirrus has never played Terranigma, he isn't.

Go into the castle and talk to Princess Naomi. Not only does she have the same name as Naomi, but she looks extremely similar to...Aeris from Final Fantasy VII. Now, talk to King Walter to find out more. Unfortunately, he doesn't give you any more info than the people in town, so it's kind of pointless. However, he gives you permission to roam the castle freely, so that's a plus.

Now you can get some more information about Princess Naomi from the castle residents. Some things you will find out are that the Princess is actually not King Walter's daughter, but is actually from a village called Heslinky which was destroyed by the King for no apparent reason other than to enable the author to write a parody of one of his favorite parts of Terranigma, and that the item you'll need to actually get through Beerfest Forest to reach Heslinky is in the King's bedroom, but you can't enter because of the guard outside.

After talking to the castle residents and finding the free Aluminum Sword hidden in the pantry, go to the inn. A "chemist", who looks suspiciously like one of the hippies from EarthBound, is staying there, looking for mushrooms. For no apparent reason, Cirrus will volunteer to help. The "chemist" suggests checking the Mushroom Forest to the north. So, go there.

At the entrance, you'll meet another RPG hero, named Cody. He is accompanied by his two party members, the cleric Jennifer and the mage Ethan. After introducing himself, he warns you about a monster that even he, the "Great Cody," couldn't defeat, then heads off to Schmierkase to enter the contest to marry Princess Naomi. The forest is pretty simple, so you shouldn't have too much trouble. At the end, you'll meet the "monster". It's a tiny mushroom. Examine it, and it will attack you.

BOSS TIPS: shroom.

HP: 250
MP: 999
ATTACKS: %@#$ Confusion Spores

shroom. is a really weak boss, but the one thing to watch out for are the %@#$ Confusion Spores. They have a 100% chance of causing confusion, but since Cirrus is your only party member, he'll usually just attack shroom. anyway. So, it's a really easy battle, even with %@#$ Confusion Spores.

When you win, shroom. will turn into an ordinary mushroom. Head back to Schmierkase and give it to the chemist. In return, he will give you some Special Medicine. Now, go back to the castle and put the Special Medicine in the cooking pot in the kitchen, then leave the castle and re-enter. Everyone will be tripping out, leaving you free to enter the King's room. Examine the nightstand, and you'll find a secret memo, reading as follows:

Dear Emperor Mike,

The girls from Helskinky continues to be uncooerative. She currentyl has a cold, which has also given her laryngintis. Also, if i talk to her, I might catch her gold! That would be awufl.! But, I `ve set up a "contest" where the winner gets to marry her. But, they ahve to cure the common cold in order to do it. So, whe the winner cures her, I'll ask her baout the treasure of Helskinky, and then I'll steal it, aad then wel'l take over the world!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walter XVII,
King of Schmierkase

From this memo, Cirrus will realize that King Walter is working for Lunaris, and that there's some sort of treasure in Heslinky. He doesn't notice that King Walter is terrible at typing, though. Now, examine the painting of a safe. Behind it is a room with a group of dogs playing poker. Talk to the Irish setter, and he'll give you a Generic Magic Bell (Genmabel). This is what you need to get through Beerfest Forest! So, leave the castle and the town, and head north to Beerfest. The first section is a generic forest maze. Just take the exit that the Genmabel points at, and you'll reach a broken bridge. Go east, then north, and you'll be in a dark area with ghosts. From here, just keep going north until you reach a dead end, then go west and you'll be on the other side of the broken bridge. Go north from here to enter the ruins of Heslinky. For some reason, all the buildings are still standing. But you can only enter one of them. Enter it, and you'll find a Potion and an Instant Plot Device. Cirrus, oddly enough, gets the idea to use it to somehow cure Princess Naomi. You will then automatically be teleported back to Schmierkase. Enter the castle and go back to the throne room. Talk to King Walter, and the following happens.

KING WALTER: You're back. So, cure the princess! Now!
CIRRUS: Okay. Just hold on a minute. (takes out the Instant Plot Device and pours water on it)
KING WALTER: What are you doing? That carpet cost me 100,000 Ggggg!
CIRRUS: Don't worry. Nothing ever gets stained in RPGs!
KING WALTER: What are you talking about?
(suddenly, a mirage of Heslinky appears)
KING WALTER: Wh...what the ****?
CIRRUS: Whoops! That wasn't supposed to happen!
GHOST OF NAOMI'S MOTHER: Naomi...We wish to hear your voice again...
PRINCESS NAOMI: Mom? Dad? You're (cough) alive?
KING WALTER: No....I killed them...For the secret treasure of Heslinky...
PRINCESS NAOMI: No... (cough, cough)
KING WALTER: It was...Emperor Mike's request...
GHOST OF NAOMI'S FATHER: We are not real...We merely came to hear Naomi's voice again. Farewell.
(the mirage vanishes, leaving a bottle of NyQuil)
CIRRUS: Hey! NyQuil! That must be the cure!
KING WALTER: Guards! Escort this blue-haired idiot out! Otherwise, he might wind up creating more illusions of dead people to reveal my deep,
dark secrets, like the fact that I wet the bed....Damn! I just revealed one! Well, at least no one knows that I pick my nose, am terrified of squirrels,
and still suck my thumb...D'oh! Get rid of him! NOW!
(two guards escort Cirrus out)

Also, you may have noticed a strange man with long black hair standing beside King Walter in this scene. You'll be seeing more of him later... The next day, you will see a big crowd in the square. Talk to one of them.

GENERIC NPC: Hey, did you hear? King Walter died last night!
CIRRUS: Really? How?
GENERIC NPC: He was found dead in his room, beaten to death with a mage's staff of the variety used by nine out of ten rebellious princesses.
There were also five knife wounds in his chest that formed the kanji for "misfortune", and his eyes were gouged out. The words "PRINCESS
NAOMI WAS HERE" were written on the wall in the King's blood. Not only that, but Princess Naomi has been missing since that night. We think
he caught Princess Naomi's cold and died.
CIRRUS: Oh. OK. That makes sense.

If you talk to people in the town, you'll learn that a republic is being set up and the first election will be held soon. The candidates are George W. Bush and a little tabby kitten. Leave the town, then re-enter and you'll be given an opportunity to vote. Vote for the kitten. Trust me. If you do, good things will happen later. Then, buy a Magician's Rod and head to the Town of Pointless and Boring Trading Sequences, located south of Schmierkase.

Journey to the Eastern Lands

In the Town of Pointless and Boring Trading Sequences (ToPaBTS from now on), you'll find out that the only way to leave the Schmierkase area is by going over the mountains nearby, but you can't access them because there isn't a little trail drawn on them. So you'll have to get a box of crayons by trading with various people in town. First, talk to the owner of the art store. He'll give you a box of crayons free of charge if you bring him a Grape-Flavored Banana. So, talk to the banana farmer in the eastern part of town and talk to him. He will give you a Grape-Flavored Banana if you give him a bag of Industrial-Strength Fertilizer. The fertilizer store owner, however, lost the key to his storeroom. He had a duplicate made at the locksmith's shop, but he's too lazy to go pick it up. Unfortunately, the locksmith is having a tantrum because, in his words, he "falled down and now his pants are muddy." So, buy a Pair of Pants at the armor shop and give them to him in exchange for a Duplicate Storeroom Key. Then trade the Key for some Industrial-Strength Fertilizer, then trade the Fertilizer for a Grape-Flavored Banana, and finally trade the Banana for a Box of Crayons! Now, you'll find out that the Inn is having a special promotion where they give free service to any blue-haired young men with swords who come in today. So, go there and stay. The next day, you'll find Princess Naomi outside.

CIRRUS: Hey, you're the Princess!
PRINCESS: You're smarter than I gave you credit for. Listen, I need your help. I killed the King, and now a group of strange soldiers are looking
for me. So, can you get me out of this country?
PRINCESS: By the way, my name is Naomi, but you probably already know that.
CIRRUS: Yeah, but there's already a playable character in this game named Naomi. So you'll have to go by some other name if you join me.
PRINCESS: How about my middle name, Kristen?
CIRRUS: All right!

Kristen will now join you! She is the first dedicated magic-user to join you, and she uses staffs. This is why you bought that Magician's Rod in Schmierkase. You COULD buy one in the ToPaBTS, but everything is hella expensive there. So, save money and buy it in Schmierkase. Now head to the mountains, and Cirrus will automatically draw a little trail on them, making them accessible. The mountan road is pretty straightforward, and there isn't even a boss. Back on the world map, you'll find out that the road is blocked for no reason. The only place you can go is into the big cool tower nearby.


Outside the tower, there is a weird-looking elf. Talk to him, and he will introduce himself as Marten Varellyn. He tells you about a scientist living in the tower who might be able to help you, then gets onto the back of his pet dragon and flies away. There is also a merchant, who just has the same stuff that was available in Schmierkase and the ToPaBTS. Buy whatever you need, then enter the tower. It's pretty straightforward. At one point, there's a library which contains some useless knowledge, including something about the Zodiac Whatchamacallits. Apparently, if you get all twelve of them, you'll become really really super powerful. Naturally, they'll be involved heavily in the plot later. A couple floors above the library, you'll meet a man wearing a ninja gi and a labcoat. Obviously, this is the scientist Marten told you about. Talk to him.

CIRRUS: Hi! My name is Cirrus. I like swords.
MAN: Ah. That is very interesting, for I also like swords. Please, come into my laboratory.
KRISTEN: Um, should we trust this guy?
CIRRUS: But he likes swords!
KRISTEN: Well, he does seem nice. All right.
(the three enter the door)
MAN: So, what brings you to my tower?
KRISTEN: We're refugees from the Kingdom of Schmierkase.
MAN: Schmierkase...I have heard that Lunaris has established a significant force in that area. Perhaps they are searching for something there.
KRISTEN: So, King Walter was working with Lunaris? That could explain why he killed my family...
MAN: Perhaps.
CIRRUS: Hey, do you know how to get to Flamingen?
MAN: Certainly. I will show you how to get there, under one condition.
KRISTEN: What's that?
MAN: Let me join you.
MAN: By the way, my name is Dr. Cadow Bazuki.
KRISTEN: ...Cadow?
CADOW: Well, it was supposed to be Shadow, but it was mangled in translation. Now, let us go.

Now Cadow has officially joined you.
Cadow's starting equipment: Assura, Ninja Gi, Ninja Hood

While he's mainly a ninja, he's also your group's summoner. Right now, he has only one summon- Choco-Mog, which summons a chocolate Moogle to heal your party. It's good, but you'll want to get some more summons soon. Fortunately, Cadow is also skilled with a katana and uses some ninja skills. Anyway, after Cadow joins, you should head to the top of the tower. However, you can examine the Hamtaro playset on the table in Cadow's office for a mini-conversation.

CIRRUS: Hey! Is this the Deluxe Ham-Ham Clubhouse playset?
CADOW: mean, yes...but I'm...uh....just...taking care of, niece! Yeah, that's it!
CIRRUS: Oh. I was just asking because I have the same one at home.
CADOW: Oh. I...see.

Anyhoo, at the top of the tower, you will see Cadow's Gear, Dreizehn. The party automatically gets in and it takes off, landing ten feet away from the tower. You will then see another Lunaris cutscene featuring Emperor Mike and his five most trusted advisors- Supreme Commander Seth Iroff (the long-haired guy from King Walter's throne room), Angela, Cheese Lord, Landis, and Bill the Monkey.

EMPEROR MIKE: Very well. This meeting of the Grand Supreme Ruling Council of Awesomeness will now come to order. Any old business?
ANGELA: Macchu Pikachu has surrendered without a fight. We have already sent the few that resisted to the acid mines for hard labor.
EMPEROR MIKE: Excellent work, Angela. Any new business?
SETH: Yes. King Walter has been murdered. In addition, the daughter of the Heslinky mayor has escaped. She is believed to be with Cirrus
Pressure of EARTHQUAKE.
EMPEROR MIKE: WHAT? But Sean told me that EARTHQUAKE had been wiped out!
LANDIS: Apparently Sean wasn't up to the task. Majesty, with your permission, we, the Unpleasant Four, would like to handle this situation.
EMPEROR MIKE: Very well. Angela, Landis, Bill, Cheese Lord, go forth and godspeed.
CHEESE LORD: Very well. For the glory of Lunaris!
(Landis, Angela, Cheese Lord, and Bill the Monkey teleport out)

Now, you regain control. First, go into the eastern forest. Inside, you'll meet a young man with a shaved head, dressed all in black. Talk to him, and he'll give you the thenaboben summon. Then exit the grove and go north, into Ambush Forest. In the forest, you will be attacked by a group of horrible little gnomes with Nerf crossbows. You'll have to dodge foam crossbow bolts, each one doing one damage, until you reach the end of the forest path, where you will confront a Lunaris Officer and three Lunaris Soldiers. They're pretty easy, unless you went out of your way to get hit by crossbow bolts. However, after you defeat them...

BILL THE MONKEY: Hehehehehehehehehehe!
KRISTEN: Who are you?
BILL THE MONKEY: The name's Bill the Monkey, and you fell right into my trap!
CADOW: Bill the Monkey? I have heard of you! You are one of the Lunaris Empire's Unpleasant Four, are you not?
BILL THE MONKEY: Thaaaaaaaaat's right!
CIRRUS: The Unpleasant Four? They sound unpleasant.
CADOW: Right. They are Emperor Mike's top generals. They are known for their incredible cruelty and underhandedness.
CIRRUS: Well, we should be able to kick his butt easy. I mean, he's a monkey!
BILL THE MONKEY: Oh, please! You're not ready to fight me yet! I'll just have some of my buddies take you down!

You'll then have to fight four more Lunaris Soldiers. Again, they're pretty easy. After you defeat them...

BILL THE MONKEY: That's it! Time to break out the big guns! Cheerio! Blunder!
(Cheerio and Blunder enter)
CHEERIO: What is it, boss?
BLUNDER: Hey! It's that blue-haired idiot from Aluminum Town!
CHEERIO: But I thought we killed him!
BLUNDER: C'mon! Let's do it now!

You will now have to fight Cheerio and Blunder again. Just like last time, it's rigged. When you lose this time, you will be taken to the arena town of Ginmill.

Yet Another RPG Tournament Scene

In Ginmill, you will be told about the local tournament by a sleazy-looking guy. Apparently, if you win, you'll be given anything you want. But there isn't much chance of you winning, as the current champion, Drake, is nearly invincible. Go talk to Cheerio and Blunder, and they'll agree to let you enter, since they "could use a good laugh." Now you can explore Ginmill fully and buy new equipment. DO SO! Otherwise, the upcoming matches will be hella hard. If you check out the tournament's leaderboard, it looks something like this.

  1. Cirrus, Cadow, and Kristen vs. Cody, Jennifer, and Ethan
  2. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore vs. D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle
  3. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny vs. Harry, Ron, and Hermione
  4. Round 1 winner vs. Round 2 winner
  5. Round 3 winner vs. Drake
  6. Round 4 winner vs. Round 5 winner

So, you'll be fighting Cody, Jennifer, and Ethan in the first match. If you talk to the people around here, you'll find out about the three battle stadiums: the Hall of Pudding, the Magic-Free Zone, and the Arena of Minor Nobles. Your match will take place in the Hall of Pudding. Basically, you'll fight one-on-one on platforms above a pit of lukewarm tapioca pudding. If your platform is destroyed, your team loses. If you destroy your opponent's platform, your team wins. You can also defeat them in the traditional way. Anyhoo, you'll fight Ethan first. Being a mage, he doesn't have many HP. I would advise sending in Cadow first, then Cirrus, and finally Kristen. Just don't use Cadow's summons- they'll damage your platform along with the enemy. When you beat Ethan, Jennifer goes in. She's also pretty easy, but is capable of healing herself. After defeating Jennifer, Cody comes in. He's actually pretty tough, but has low defense. So just hit him with your strongest attacks and you should win easily. If you want to destroy the platform, just hit it with your best single-target attacks. It has a lot of HP, but should be easy. Just be warned that if you attack your opponent's platform, s/he will attack your platform. When you win, rest to heal yourself, then check the leaderboard again. In the next round, you'll be facing Alvin, Simon and Theodore (the Chipmunks.) You'll be fighting in the Magic-Free Zone, meaning two matches in a row where Cadow's summons are useless. Fortunately, he can still use his katana techs, and Cirrus can use his sword techniques. As for Kristen, just have her dispense items and occasionally hit the Chipmunks with her staff. They have a deadly combo attack called the Chipmunk Chorus, but can only use it if all three of them are alive. So take out Simon first, since he has the lowest HP. Then take out Theodore, and finally Alvin. If you do this, it should be easy. After this match, heal up, buy anything you might need, then check the leaderboard again. Now, you're facing Drake for the championship in the Arena of Minor Nobles. This match will be a one-on-one between Cirrus and Drake, meaning that Cadow won't be able to use his summons for the third match in a row. Don't worry, though- they'll get plenty of use later. Anyway, don't even bother in this match- it's rigged, and Drake kicks Cirrus' butt easily. However, after the match...

CHEERIO: Congratulations on your victory! Now, what would you like as your prize?
DRAKE: I would like Cirrus and his friends to be freed.
CHEERIO: WHAT? But they're fugitives from Lunaris!
DRAKE: So? Why does that matter? I said I want them freed.
CHEERIO: V...very well. As you wish. (Hee hee hee...)
DRAKE: Now, let's go.

Outside the arena...

KRISTEN: Not that I'm complaining, but why did you have us freed?
DRAKE: You interest me. I saw a certain...purity in your souls.
CIRRUS: I like swords. They're shiny. Shiny things are fun.
DRAKE: And you, in particular. You have the innocence of a child, but the heart of a warrior. Hence, I wish to accompany you on your journey, to
find the source of that purity. And I feel that I've been here too long. It's time for a change of scenery.
CIRRUS: Okay! Welcome aboard, Drake!
CADOW: I find it quite interesting that your name is Drake. That is a somewhat...generic name, is it not?
DRAKE: It was supposed to be Drakonius, but that was more than eight characters, so...

Now Drake has officially joined your party!
Drake's starting equipment: Spear, Stone Plate, Horned Helmet

Drake's equipment is equal to the stuff bought in Ginmill (his Horned Helmet is actually BETTER than the 3/4 Helmet available here!), so you won't need to buy him any new equipment here. Just buy any items you need, then head north to Butkus Gorge. When you're there, you'll encounter a blockade composed of three Lunaris Soldiers. They should be easy, like always, especially now that you have Drake in your party. After you beat them...

CHEERIO: Time to take you down for good!
CIRRUS: Hey! You said we could go free!
BLUNDER: Well, guess what. WE LIED! Hahahaha!
CIRRUS: But...but Barney says lying is bad!
CHEERIO: **** Barney! Let's go, bro!
CHEERIO AND BLUNDER: Gelding Metamorphosis!

The two of them then fuse together into a giant mule-creature called Gelding. Just when things seem hopeless, though, Bob and Naomi turn up in their Gears and blast Gelding, weakening it. Cirrus and Cadow then get in their Gears, and you'll have to fight Gelding. Drake and Kristen can't take part in this battle, because they don't have Gears.

BOSS TIPS: Gelding

HP: 6500
MP: 100
ATTACKS: Moderate Attack

This is your first Gear-based boss battle, so I might as well say a few things about Gear combat. Basically, Gears use fuel for every attack and special ability. They regain fuel by defending. Also, you can't use your normal abilities while in Gears unless you have a Magic Amplifier equipped, and even that doesn't cover physical techniques. You can upgrade your Gears by using Gear Parts at shops. Also, by finding the appropriate Zodiac Whatchamacallit, you can upgrade a Gear to its Omega form, but only if it's learned all its abilities. Anyhoo, back to Gelding. It mostly uses physical attacks, but also uses the Moderate Attack, which, as its name implies, does moderate damage to all of your Gears. Just use your best techs (Cirrus' Deeeep Slash, Cadow's Meigetsu, Naomi's Psywave, etc.) and you'll win easily.

After defeating Gelding, Naomi will tell you the story of how she and Bob survived. You see, during the attack, Bob and Sarah revealed a hidden underground passage to Flamingen. The three of them went there. Sarah stayed behind to investigate the new governor assigned there, while Bob and Naomi went to look for you. They will now rejoin you. Head north to Flamingen.

First Strike

In Flamingen, Sarah will greet you and tell you that the new governor is searching for something in the area, and that EARTHQUAKE is making plans to assassinate him. She then tells you to meet with an EARTHQUAKE agent in the town and rejoins you. Before meeting with the agent, though, buy some items and equipment. Drake's and Cadow's helmets are equal to the helmets available here, though, and Drake's armor is better, so don't bother with upgrading those. After buying stuff, go into the house with the big neon sign saying "THE EARTHQUAKE AGENT IS HERE!" and talk to the young woman with shoulder-length blonde hair. The following conversation will ensue.

YOUNG WOMAN: So, you made it.
DRAKE: Where's the EARTHQUAKE agent?
YOUNG WOMAN: You're looking at her.
DRAKE: But you can't be an EARTHQUAKE agent. You're a girl!
(Naomi, Sarah, and Kristen glare at Drake with fire in their eyes.)
DRAKE: S...sorry! Please don't hurt me....
(The girls, sans the agent, grab Drake and drag him out, various painful sounds can be heard.)
BOB: Sorry about that. He's an idiot.
(The girls re-enter the house, followed by a bloody, bruised Drake.)
AGENT: Right. Anway, for the new members here, my name is Chloe...
(A truck drives by outside, drowining out the last name.)
CIRRUS: I'm Cirrus Pressure, the girls with me are Naomi and Kristen, and the guy who they beat up is Drake.
BOB: All right. Now that the introductions are over, let's get down to business. Here's the plan. Chloe, do you have the blueprints?
CHLOE: You mean the crayon drawings?
BOB: Same thing. Do you have them?
CHLOE: Yes, I do. Let's look at them.
(Cut to a shot of a crudely-drawn crayon map of Flamingen. Small "O" marks appear as places are mentioned.)
CHLOE: As you can see, this is the governor's mansion, and this would be a good place for an Arby's.
BOB: Agreed. When was the last time you had a good roast-beef sandwich?
CHLOE: I honestly can't remember.
BOB: That's why this town could use an Arby's.
CHLOE: Mmmm. But, anyway, the mansion is heavily secured by Lunaris troops. The only way in is through this sewer pipe.
BOB: Next to the hunny tree.
CHLOE: Yes, next to the hunny tree. So, we'll send a team of five in. I'll be going, of course, because the player needs a chance to test my
abilities, and Cirrus has to go, because he's the main character. So, who else will go?

You will then have to form a party of five, and Cirrus and Chloe must be included. I would advise taking Cadow, Kristen, and Naomi as the other three members. After forming a party, you will automatically be teleported to the entrance of the Flamingen sewers. Now is as good a time as any to describe Chloe's abilities, so I will. But first, I'll list her starting equipment.

Chloe's starting equipment: Leather Whip, Purity Tanktop, Puce Branch

Now, for Chloe's abilities. She's your group's blue mage, and can learn some neat-o-saurus enemy skills during the game. In fact, there are a couple she can learn right in the sewers. These are Stone (learned from the Trash Imps) and Missile Pod (learned from the Patrol Bots.) Neither are especially powerful, but they're useful for the time being. The sewers are a bit maze-y, but not too bad. At the end, go up the ladder and you'll be in Baron Nancy's manor. The manor is VERY ostentatious, with lots of gold and objets d'art everywhere. There are also Lunaris soldiers patrolling. If you are spotted by one of them, you'll have to fight. However, they're just the same wimpy grunts you've been fighting up to now, so they should be pretty easy. Also, there are a few Patrol Bots, if you forgot to learn Missile Pod in the sewer. Anyhoo, from your starting room, go up the stairs and into the kitchen. Open the fridge to receive some Fried Chicken, then go east two rooms, dodging the guard in the dining room, and up the stairs. On the second floor, there aren't as many guards, but the encounter rate is somewhat higher. Also, you'll start to encounter Living Armor and Ghosts. Both are pretty easy, although the Ghosts have a really high evade rate. This floor is also pretty straightforward. Just go north and east until you reach the big spiral staircase, then go up to the governor's office. It's none other than the Evil Baron Nancy!

BARON NANCY: Ah, Naomi, mon amour! You have returned to moi!
NAOMI: No, I'm actually here to kill you. I'm with the rebellion.
BARON NANCY: Oh, ma cherie! If only you knew how deeply I feel for you!
NAOMI: Probably not much deeper than you feel for yourself.
BARON NANCY: So, not only have you turned traitor to the Lunaris Empire, but refused moi? Very well, I will show you the true strength of amour!

BOSS TIPS: Baron Nancy

HP: 500
MP: 2
ATTACKS: Evil Gate

At the start of the battle, Baron Nancy will start bragging about the "puissance foncée" that Emperor Mike gave him, then try to cast Evil Gate. Fortunately, he doesn't have enough MP to cast it. He will try to cast it for five turns before finally realizing this. After that, he will just sissy-slap you and occasionally try to poke you with his overgrown knitting needle of a sword. He's pitifully weak, so you should win easily. When you do, you'll receive a Fancy Hat, and the following consersation will ensue.

BARON NANCY: What is this? Blood? On my best shirt? Oh, the tragédie! I must end my life now. Adieu, Naomi, my love!
(Baron Nancy tries to stab himself, but his sword crumples up with a comedic "boing!" sound effect.)
BARON NANCY: My love, would you...
NAOMI (cracks knuckles): With pleasure.
(The screen blacks out with a blood-red "CENSORED" sign as heavy-metal music plays over the sound of Naomi beating Baron Nancy to death. After a while, the screen fades, revealing Naomi standing over the Baron's mangled corpse.)
NAOMI: Check and mate.

Just then, a bunch of Lunaris soldiers appear and, seeing the Baron's bloody carcass, attack you. Defeat them (just more Lunaris Soldiers), then head down the nearby elevator to the garage. You'll then see a cool FMV where Cirrus gets onto a toy bike, and the rest of the group piles into an old VW Bug and escape down the highway, Lunaris soldiers on their own toy bikes in hot pursuit. Now, you'll be asked to form a party, but only the characters with Gears (Cirrus, Naomi, Bob, and Cadow) are selectable. After selecting, you'll play a mini-game where you have to protect the VW Bug from Lunaris soldiers. It's suspiciously similar to another mini-game in Final Fantasy VII, right down to the controls. Press the Square button to attack to the left and the Circle button to attack to the right. After a certain amount of time, you're attacked by a giant mechanical version of Nall from Lunar, which you fight with the party selected earlier.

BOSS TIPS: Motor Nall

HP: 1900
MP: 75
ATTACKS: Triplet Burner, Ultrasonic, Diving Attack

This is your second major Gear battle, but it's not much harder than the first. The same basic attacks should work, but Ripat's Micro-Missile won't be as effective, since Motor Nall is resistant to fire. But it's still an easy battle, really, except for Motor Nall's obnoxious habit of using Ultrasonic to confuse you. When you win, you'll receive a Beam Saber.

To be continued...


Name Effect
Lo-Potion Restores 50 HP
Potion Restores 250 HP
Mana Potion Restores 25 MP
Antidote Cures poison
Echo Skreen Cures silence
Pyrite Needle Cures petrification
Eyedrops Cures blindness
Gween Chewwy Cuwes widoo baby
Remedy Cures all status effects
CheapoTent Restores all HP and MP, only usable on world map and save points
Aluminum Potion Instantly kills user, can't be used on monsters
Plain Donut Restores 25 HP
Potato Chips Restores 28 HP
Chicken Tenders Restores 40 HP, Sarah can't use
Black Coffee Restores 45 HP, cures sleep
Skittles Restores 50 HP
Croissant Restores 65 HP
Glazed Donut Restores 75 HP
Burger Restores 80 HP, Sarah can't use
Beef Jerky Restores 100 HP, Sarah can't use
Fried Chicken Fully restores HP, Sarah can't use
Spring Water Restores 10 MP
Milkshake Restores 10 MP
Coolatta Restores 12 MP
Grape Restores 15 MP
Fries Restores 35 HP and 10 MP
Chocolate Donut Restores 40 HP and 5 MP
Maple Donut Restores 50 HP and 10 MP
Earth Makes user strong to Earth and weak to Air
Sky Makes user strong to Air and weak to Earth
Fire Makes user strong to Fire and weak to Water
Rain Makes user strong to Water and weak to Fire


Swords-Cirrus, Sarah

Name Attack Notes
Plastic Sword 10 Cirrus starts with
Bronze Sword 12 Sarah starts with
Aluminum Sword 16
Gladiolus 18


Name Attack Notes
Fuzzy Mitten 8 Naomi starts with
Leather Glove 9
Aluminum Glove 12


Name Attack Notes
Hand Axe 11 Bob starts with
Aluminum Axe 15


Name Attack Notes
Generic Staff 6 Kristen starts with
Magician's Rod 10
Rune Staff 12


Name Attack Notes
Assura 18 Cadow starts with
Kotetsu 21


Name Attack Notes
Spear 17 Drake starts with


Name Attack Notes
Leather Whip 14 Chloe starts with


Clothes-Cirrus, Naomi, Sarah, Cadow, Chloe

Name Defense Notes
Pair of Pants 2 Needed for trading sequence.
RPGHA Uniform 8 Cirrus and Naomi start with
Leather Outfit 10 Sarah starts with
Aluminum Clothes 12
Ninja Gi 15 Cadow starts with
Ranger's Vest 16
Purity Tanktop 17 Chloe starts with, prevents poison

Armor-Cirrus, Bob, Drake

Name Defense Notes
Light Armor 9
Aluminum Armor 14
Bringadoon 17
Stone Plate 18 Drake starts with

Robes- Kristen

Name Defense Notes
Cotton Robe 7 Kristen starts with
Silk Robe 9
Mage's Robe 12


Hats-Cirrus, Naomi, Sarah, Kristen, Chloe

Name Defense Notes
Cap 4 Cirrus and Naomi start with
Headband 4 Sarah starts with
Fancy Hat 5 Win from Baron Nancy, sells for lots of money
Aluminum Hat 6
Ninja Hood 10 Cadow starts with
Puce Branch 12 Chloe starts with, increases speed

Helmets-Cirrus, Bob, Drake

Name Defense Notes
Aluminum Helmet 8
3/4 Helmet 12
Horned Helmet 15 Drake starts with


Name Description
Lunaris Uniform Lunaris grunt's uniform.
Mushroom Found in the Mushroom Forest.
Special Medicine "Medicine" made by "chemist" in Schmierkase.
Secret Memo Proves that King Walter is connected to Lunaris.
Genmabel Needed to get through Beerfest Forest.
Instant Plot Device Just add water!
Duplicate Storeroom Key Item for trading sequence.
Industrial-Strength Fertilizer Item for trading sequence.
Grape-Flavored Banana Item for trading sequence.
Box of Crayons Needed to cross the eastern mountains.


Gear swords- Galtel

Name Attack Notes
G-Sword 30 Galtel starts with
Beam Saber 45 Dropped by Motor Nall

Gear guns- Ripat

Name Attack Notes
Gatling Gun
Ripat starts with

Gear katana- Dreizehn

Name Attack Notes
G-Katana 50 Dreizehn starts with


Name Defense Notes
Ceramic Armor 10 Magic defense +5, Mirage starts with
Light Armor 20 Speed +10, Dreizehn starts with
Steel Armor 35 Galtel and Ripat start with


Name Effect
Backup Tank Increases maximum fuel
Magic Amplifier Enables use of magic while in Gears
Defense Circuit Defense +5
Response Circuit Speed +5
Magnetic Coating Speed +10


Cirrus Pressure

Name Effect Level
Cross Slash Physical attack vs. 1 enemy 1
Harmless Birdie Attacks all enemies, wind-elemental 8
Quadruple Lion Attacks one enemy, hits four times 15
Starlight Cut Physical attack vs. 1 enemy 22
Frying Arrow Fire-elemental attack vs. 1 enemy 29
Vacuum Cleaner Sword Removes all enemies from battle, damages survivors 36
Dash or Gash Physical attack vs. 1 enemy 45
Raging Ouchies Massive damage to one enemy, Cirrus receives half damage 50
Ray Sword Holy-elemental attack, extra damage to enemies named Ray 57
Lionkidney Multiple physical attacks to all enemies 64
Xqzvsrbnmp%df Mutliple physical attacks to all enemies (more than Lionkidney) Event

Naomi Foxtrot

Name Effect Level
Pummel Physical attack 1
Breeze Kick Attacks one enemy, wind-elemental 8
Kick! Punch! Two consecutive physical attacks 15
thrust tat is flip Physical attack 22
Stupor Combo Multiple physical attacks, enter button combo correctly for increased damage 29
Suplex Physical attack, doesn't work on certain enemies 36
Medium Swing Physical attack 45
Sliding Physical attack 50
Babel Mumble Physical attack, causes silence 57
Seiryu Owie Fist Physical attack, may cause instant death 64
SUHMCOD* Uses Suplex, Medium Swing, Sliding, and BabelMumble all at once Event
*-Supreme Ultimate Hyper Mega Combo of Doom

Sarah Moonwhisper-Jones

Name Effect Level
Twin Permeate Two physical attacks vs. 1 enemy 1
Cross Slash Physical attack to one enemy 8
Staccato Multiple physical attacks to one enemy 15
Frond Slash Non-elemental damage to all enemies 22
Dandelion Dance Non-elemental damage to one enemy 29
Western Cross Fire-elemental damage to all enemies 36
Breeze Slash Wind-elemental damage to all enemies 45
Living Rhombus Non-elemental damage to all enemies 50
Mauve Gecko Non-elemental damage to all enemies 55
ZOT! Multiple physical attacks to one enemy 64
Kahran042 Productions Massive damage to all enemies Event

Bob Zauchbp

Name Effect Level
Spinny Wave Physical attack vs. one enemy 1
Flying Grass Blades Physical attack vs. all enemies 8
Blurry Axe Physical attack vs. one enemy, may cause blindness 15
Falling Crush Physical attack vs. one enemy 22
Rotating Bluejay Wind-elemental damage to one enemy 29
Salmon Downstream Water-elemental damage to one enemy 36
Not White Wings Non-elemental damage to all enemies 45
Insert Axe Pun Here Physical attack to all enemies 50
Stikesprike Physical attack to all enemies in range 55
Pebble Rush Massive damage to all enemies 64

Dr. Cadow Bazuki

Name Effect Level
Dispatch Physical attack vs. one enemy 1
Katon Fire-elemental attack vs. all enemies 1
Witty Retort Counters one enemy attack 8
Suiton Water-elemental attack vs. all enemies 15
Raijin Thunder-elemental attack vs. all enemies 22
Three Dollers Non-elemental attack vs. all enemies 29
Bushin Cadow gains Invisible status 36
Shadow Sew Paralyzes one enemy 45
Snow Flurry Ice-elemental damage vs. one enemy 50
Quattro Flores Non-elemental damage vs. all enemies 55
Beautiful Two Two consecutive non-elemental attacks, ignores defense 64

Drake (Drakonius)

Name Effect Level
Twister Physical attack to one 1
Macho Grunt Increases attack power 8
Fast Forward Physical attack to one, ignores defense 15
Speed Racer Increases speed 22
Woodchuck's Bite Physical attack to one 29
72 Flower Dance Non-elemental attack to all, may cause sleep 36
Vanadium Ray Holy attack to one 45
Somewhat Painful Branding Non-elemental attack to one 50
Double Equality Two consecutive physical attacks to one enemy 55
Big Painful Spear Thingy Many physical attacks to one enemy 64


Naomi Foxtrot

Name Effect MP Cost Level
Heal Restores HP (Some) 2 1
Hammerspace Weak physical attack 2 1
Firebolt Weak fire-elemental attack (Mild) 3 1
Holy Tennis Ball Weak holy-elemental attack 5 3
Baless Increases accuracy 4 5
Teleport Returns party to entrance of dungeon 3 7
Cure Light Restores HP (More) 7 9
Scanalyzer Shows enemy data 1 11
Strength Increases strength 7 13
Barrier Increases defense 6 15
Magic Sheeld Increases magic defense 8 17
Can't See Me! Makes allies invisible 7 19
Berserk Makes allies berserk 7 21
Reflect Makes allies reflective 8 23
Revive Revives dead ally with 1 HP 10 25
Exercism Instantly kills undead enemies 9 27
Boringness Puts enemies to sleep 16 29
SHUT UP! Silences enemies 18 31
Widoo Baby Turns enemies into widoo babies 10 33
Speed Up Increases speed 10 35
Stain Beam Medium holy-elemental attack 18 37
Enbufficate Increases strength for all allies 15 39
E-Sooner Removes all negative status effects from one ally 20 41
Dispel Magic Removes all positive status effects from one enemy 35 43
Cure Most Restores HP for all allies (Even more) 65 45
Secular Javelin Strong holy-elemental attack, hits all enemies 70 47
Pixie Cure Fully restores HP for all allies 65 49
Resurrection Revives dead ally with full HP 80 51
Seagull Feather No discernable effect 100 53
Cherubic Law Ultimate holy-elemental attack, hits all enemie 90 55

Bob Zauchbp

Name Effect MP Cost Level
Heal Restores HP (Some) 2 1
Firebolt Weak fire-elemental attack 3 1
ZZZZAP! Weak lightning-elemental attack 4 1
Anecdote Cures poison 5 3
Ice Weasel Weak ice-elemental attack 3 5
Cure Light Restores HP 7 7
Hot Ramen Medium fire-elemental attack, hits all enemies 8 9
STORM OF THUNDER Medium lightning-elemental attack, hits all enemies 10 11
Shallow Freeze Medium ice-elemental attack 9 13
SHUT UP! Silences enemies 8 15
Revive Revives dead ally with 1 HP 10 17
Boringness Puts enemies to sleep 6 19
Esplosion Strong fire-elemental attack, hits all enemies 20 21

Kristen (Princess Naomi Kristen Schmierkase)

Name Effect MP Cost Level
Firebolt Weak fire-elemental attack 3 1
Ice Weasel Weak ice-elemental attack 3 1
ZZZZAP! Weak lightning-elemental attack 4 1
Poison Weak poison-elemental attack 5 3
Flash Causes blind status 4 5
Boringness Puts enemies to sleep 6 7
Aqua Wedge Water-elemental attack 4 9
Make-Attack-Go-Down Lowers enemy's attack power 5 11
Raspberry Damages enemy's MP 7 13
Holy Tennis Ball Holy-elemental attack 5 15
Hot Ramen Medium fire-elemental attack, hits all enemies 8 17
STORM OF THUNDER Medium lightning-elemental attack, hits all enemies 10 9
Berserk Causes berserk status 7 21
Shallow Freeze Medium ice-elemental attack 9 23
Water Larva Medium water-elemental attack 10 25
Leech Drains HP from one enemy 7 27
Siphon Drains MP from one enemy 9 29
Biosphere Medium poison-elemental attack 11 31
Esplosion Strong fire-elemental attack, hits all enemies 20 33
Blizzard Strong ice-elemental attack, hits all enemies 18 35
Thundersquall Strong lightning-elemental attack, hits all enemies 24 37
Stain Beam Medium holy-elemental attack 18 39
Death Instantly kills one enemy 20 41
Tidal Wave Strong water-elemental attack, hits all enemies 24 43
Quake Earth-elemental attack, hits all on screen 28 45
Nucular Blast Strong non-elemental attack 30 47
Plague Strong poison-elemental attack, hits all enemies 36 49
Ouchies Causes many status effects 40 51
Second-to-Last Flame Ultimate fire-elemental attack, hits all enemies 50 53
Cubic Zirconia Strike Ultimate ice-elemental attack, hits all enemies 45 55
Vogon Poetry Instantly kills all enemies 60 57
Stupornova Strong non-elemental attack, hits all enemies 75 59
Magma Geyser Ultimate earth-elemental attack, hits all enemies, may cause stone 65 61
Secular Javelin Strong holy-elemental attack, hits all enemies 70 63


Geomancy- Sarah Moonwhisper-Jones


Name Effect
Guts Wind damage/single enemy
Earth Cake Earth damage/all enemies
Tamagotchi Wind damage/all enemies
Twister Wind damage/all enemies


Name Effect
Guts Wind damage/single enemy
Tamagotchi Wind damage/all enemies
Meanie Fire Fire damage/all enemies
Twister Wind damage/all enemies
Sonic Boom Wind damage/all enemies

Summon- Dr. Cadow Bazuki

Choco-Mog- Chocolatey Goodness

Cost: 15 MP
Effect: A chocolate Moogle appears and throws candy at your party, who are then healed significantly.
Where acquired: Cadow starts with this.

thenaboben- Pyromania

Cost: 25 MP
A shaven-headed teenager dressed all in black appears and pours gasoline on all enemies, then sets them on fire for fire-elemental
Where acquired: Grove near Cadow's tower.

Blue Magic- Chloe

Laser Eye

Cost: 5 MP
Effect: Chloe fires lasers from her eyes for non-elemental damage to one enemy.
Learned from:


Cost: 0 MP
Effect: Chloe throws a rock at one enemy for physical damage and possible confusion.
Learned from:

Missile Pod

Cost: 10 MP
Effect: Shoots a bunch of missiles from nowhere, damaging all enemies.
Learned from:


Galtel (Cirrus Pressure)

Name Effect Fuel Used Level
Deeeep Slash Physical attack/one 5 01
Double Strike Two consecutive physical attacks/one 7 01
Beam Pistol Non-elemental attack/one 8 01

Mirage (Naomi Foxtrot)

Name Effect Fuel Used Level
Piercing Beam Non-elemental attack/one 5 01
Psywave Non-elemental attack/all/causes confusion 9 01

Ripat (Bob Zauchbp)

Name Effect Fuel Used Level
Gatling Gun Three consecutive physical attacks/one 6 01
Micro-Missile Fire-elemental attack/all 10 01
Body Ram Physical attack/one 5 01

Dreizehn (Dr. Cadow Bazuki)

Name Effect Fuel Used Level
Meigetsu Non-elemental attack/one 8 01
Ki Cannon Holy attack/one 12 01
Cross Strike Physical attack/one 6 01


My family, especially my brother Jack and sister Mary, for giving me a LOT of ideas.
Kari Britt, for helping me with the Groom Hunt scene and helping me sustain my will to live for at least three years now.